its my birthday, but im giving you guys a gift, the gift of words :)

well, its sept 30, so its my birthday. but this is my gift to you guys...total time writing this, I'd say 45 minutes. but its from my heart and i wanted to share it with you guys.... :)


And I'm shuttin down every lie that tells me I ain't pretty
Every whisper wisping thru my ears, sayin that I'm not good enough and neva will amount to the type of girl the type of guy i like likes
Nope, I'm not listenin no more
But the question remains: how can I expect someone to like me, when I ain't even comfortable with myself?
So tell me, was I just liking sneakers because that's what I expected myself to wear? Or was it because I assumed the kind of guys I was attracted to liked girls that wore sneakers? Or was it because I liked them?? Hard to say...
And was my fetish for 59fifities because they represented something to me? Did it really mean that I liked how they felt on my head? Difficult to pinpoint that too...
But the point remains: how can I expect someone to love all of me if I can't even began to express the true me...all of me....which part of me is a mask or which part of me is my bare face? Am I truly a suicide icee from the fair or am I just one flavor? I don't think that has been determined.
Who's the real Ki? And why am I ashamed to let all aspects of me shine like the star I know I can be to someone? How can I call myself real when I'm constantly wondering who is sayin what about my sudden change in style and dress??
How can someone believe me when I don't even believe myself?
How can someone trust me, when I'm conflicted in my spirit and can't see quite clearly of the road I'm facing?
And why I do I feel its weird for me to still like to rock my skinnys with not only TOMS, but also J's and vans at the age of 21 even though everybody around me does it and its not weird?? Have I really let the community I have chosen for my self through the will of God deter me from my first way of dress? 'Completely embrace me' is something I need to learn
Accept the fact that I have changed for the better and the new part of me is now the dominating force which influences me.
How is that I'm completely comfortable listening to slingshot one minute, then next I'm listening to lincoln brewster, but can't apply the same concept to my interests and personality and style??
I def thought identity crisis happened in high school
But I knew who I was in high school: the girl who had her crew, and everyday's motivation was. "Give me my A so I can go to college early so I can get my honors diploma", the girl that wore sneakers or Tims everyday, that hung with dudes everyday, that went home and listened to rap and rnb everyday. I knew exactly who I was and was comfortable.
Why'd I have to have an identity crisis at age 19 and still haven't sifted through it yet??
But I'm getting there...one thing at a time...one group at a time....one song at a time....one prayer at a time...one worship moment at a time
Maybe I need to realize and not just know that I need to be focused on becoming a good proverbs 31 woman for my husband instead of worrying if lil dude next to me think I have nice earrings and nice jeans and smell good...
Maybe I need to stop trying to appeal to the masses and start appealing to my God and myself. Beauty hooks, but self esteem and character gets them addicted
A pretty face and nice shoes don't last forever, by the time you hit 30, you betta have a personality, word to Vince Vaughn

Jelly Bean - soft on the inside, hard on the outside, yeah that's def me. you will rarely see me talk abut these things in public. no, you will only read about them on  your screen, or if you're in the select group of people i feel comfortable enough to share them verbally

guess its true what they say...you gotta love you before anybody else can....

or better yet, before you let anybody else care

cuz its hard for me to let somebody get close enough to even utter those words...

soul searchin, im on the road right now and its a little scary, a little darka dn all i got is a flashlight. bookbaggin it thru, all i got is a bible and some food, feeding on that Word got me feelin real full, bu im gettin hungry to know even more truth, wanna digest this real food

and the concern still stands: i know HOW to get thru all this stuff, i know what to do, but why cant i just do it

So I'm start by shuttin down every lie that tells me I ain't pretty

Every whisper wisping thru my ears, sayin that I'm not good enough and neva will amount to the type of girl the type of guy i like likes
Nope, I'm not listenin no more

cuz if he like, but dont approach, then he dont like you enough

and my watch been stopped workin for that situation

its over

im done

im shuttin down every lie i was ever told, all them tales i was told i should know

and fall comfortably into this bubble of mine until its time for me to share it

**index,middle :)